


Nonsense

by james



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, M/M, deep discussions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23163499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/james/pseuds/james
Summary: Aziraphale asks Crowley a question which he can't answer.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 101





	Nonsense

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cupidsbow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupidsbow/gifts).



> This is for the Fandom For Oz fannish auction.

Crowley had no idea why he said it. Not even the empty bottle of wine or the newfound, post-non-apocalyptic freedom of saying all the things he'd ever wanted to say could explain why he opened his gob and said _that._ Maybe he'd just been off his guard, lounging on the sofa in the backroom of the bookshop, front door firmly closed and locked against intruding shoppers. Too relaxed from months of Hell leaving him the Hell alone, enjoying the company of an Angel he'd long-ago discovered he wanted to spend eternity with.

He set his empty wineglass down and wondered if all this meant he needed _more_ wine or _less._

From a few feet away in his favorite, over-stuffed chair, Aziraphale was looking at him with an expression of surprise that, quite frankly, seemed a little offensive. Except for how it did rather make not a bit of sense. A good, er, successful demon should be well-versed in all manner of sinful things, it stood to reason. 

But it was true.

“Never?” Aziraphale asked, obviously expecting Crowley to laugh in his face or something and claim it was a lie. Except for how Crowley took great pride in the fact he _didn't_ lie – too quick and easy to lure people into Sin if you lied to them; it was like cheating. Which, all right, demons cheated all the time, it was sort of the point. But it was much more interesting, and demanded more flair and artistry if you told humans the truth and they still went on to commit a Sin. 

Regardless, he didn't lie to Aziraphale, hadn't ever and felt a little annoyed that the angel might accuse him of it. “No, angel, I haven't ever kissed anyone. Why would that surprise you?” Crowley knew why, but he was still annoyed, and it made him willing to push back a bit. 

“Well,” Aziraphale sputtered a bit, waving one hand as if the gesture would convey all the myriad of things he wasn't saying. Crowley scowled at him. _If you can't say it,_ he grumbled to himself, _then you don't get answers._

Settling his shoulders a bit, Aziraphale looked – not quite prim, but that Holier Than Thou But Not Arrogant or Mean About It look that he'd cultivated over the centuries. “Well, you're a demon, demons...tempt. Humans,” he clarified, as though he himself had never once been tempted by the demon before him.

“Really,” Crowley drawled. “I had no idea.”

That earned him a more honest scowl, which made him grin. Toying with Aziraphale was more fun than almost any Demonic thing he could think of doing – except for that thing with the tomatoes a few centuries ago, that had been entertaining. 

“I'm only surprised,” Aziraphale said, “Because sex is one of the more...easily corrupted pleasures. That and sloth,” he added and there was a half-moment when Crowley could literally see the lecture coming.

“I love a good nap,” Crowley interrupted before he could get really going. Crowley would much rather talk about sleeping – soft sheets and a comfortable bed and something to keep him warm throughout. Much nicer than talking about his lack of experience with other things.

“And you've never once kissed anyone?” Aziraphale repeated, refusing to take the hint to be distracted.

Crowley sighed. “Why does it even matter?” Celestial beings weren't built for such things, unless they wanted to be, and Crowley had never really seen the point. “Yes, fine, it's a good way to Sin. But it lacks _style_ if I simply showed up looking all,” he waved his hands in a vague approximation of a humanoid figure, or possibly a snake with extra hands. “Sexy and convince someone to do the deed. It takes a lot more finesse and cleverness to convince two people to Sin with one another. Of course then it's a two for one deal.” He smiled, proud of all the times he'd done exactly that. So much easier to make humans do all the work while he just gave advice and pointers and reminded them to find something slippery first.

“Well, of course it doesn't,” Aziraphale reached over and patted his hand, as though comforting him. “I just assumed. I shouldn't have; I apologise.”

Crowley raised an eyebrow. “Why have you been thinking about me kissing, anyway?” Even as the words left his mouth he realised one very obvious reason and if his heart ever bothered beating, it probably would have stopped. Grateful now he never bothered eating, or he might have choked on the tiny, cut up melon bits that he'd been playing with, stabbing with a fork over and over until Aziraphale could rescue them by eating them.

It wasn't that he'd never thought of doing that sort of thing, once he'd learned how Aziraphale liked the taste of food, and sounds of music which Crowley himself had never really gone in for. Conversely, Aziraphale had never learned to enjoy the joys of sleep like Crowley did, or the grand sights of a really lovely sunset or the way flames would crawl up a wooden structure. In his search for things they could do together, Crowley _had_ considered it, but the thought of flesh-covered bodies _writhing_ on top of one another, touching and making weird fluids, made his own skin crawl. 

Kissing..didn't seem so bad, just lips pressing together. Unless Aziraphale meant the part where people put their tongues in one another's mouths, which just seemed completely unsanitary. He suddenly got a bad feeling that if Aziraphale asked him what kissing might be like, or something, he'd end up trying it. The _things_ the angel made him do, honestly.

“Oh, I only had some questions. I saw the most extraordinary thing on your tube, and I honestly couldn't tell if the activity was meant to be a Good thing or not.” He glanced upwards as he said 'Good', though Aziraphale had stopped saying things like 'My Side' and 'Your Side'. 

Crowley had to rattle that around in his head for a moment, trying to parse. “Wait, Youtube? Who told you about Youtube? Aziraphale, tell me you didn't take it off Child Safe mode.” 

Dammit, he'd had long discussions with Adam about exactly this sort of thing. Aziraphale had made very innocent inquires about the internet and what was Buzzfeed, anyway, and Crowley had warned – carefully requested – that the Son of Satan not teach Aziraphale how to navigate the world wide web.

Instead of answering, Aziraphale, who had finished off his fruit plate, was discreetly checking for something in the basket Crowley had brought. Like it mattered – whatever he wanted would be in there if he just said what he was looking for. After a moment, Aziraphale made a pleased 'aha' sound and lifted a corner of a tartan cloth Crowley didn't remember putting in there, and took out what looked like cheese. Then he pulled out a packet of crackers and began arranging things just so.

Then two and two slammed together in Crowley's brain. “Wait, you saw... Angel you didn't watch _porn_ on Youtube.” He couldn't remember who was responsible for Youtube – it hadn't actually been him, he'd been distracted by the whole Darth Maul thing that year. 

“Well, I'm not sure,” Aziraphale said, placing a bit of blue cheese on a cracker and eating it, pausing for a moment to savor the taste. Crowley wrinkled his nose. “Which is why I wanted to ask you. I thought you'd know, from the...positions. The noises they were making _did_ sound like they were having sex and two of them were definitely enjoying themselves.”

Right. He definitely needed more wine for this. Crowley took a gulp of his now-full glass. He opened his mouth, had no idea what he could possibly say other than I'm turning off your internet access forever, and closed his mouth again. Aziraphale didn't _have_ internet access, other than by turning on his extremely ancient computer and expecting it to connect.

With a shrug, Aziraphale just smiled at him. “My experiences with sex have been quite a bit more tame, and generally there were only two of us. So I couldn't be sure.”

Crowley blinked. His heart tried beating, just so it could thunder to a halt, and his lungs wondered if maybe they should breathe a bit so they could also freeze. “You. Sex.”

There was absolutely no way in Hell he'd just said those two words together. 

“Angels don't have sex,” he said, because he knew how angels were built, and it was definitely not for _that._

Unless someone had made modifications after he'd--

He needed a lot more wine. Crowley drained his glass and refilled it.

“Crowley,” Aziraphale said with the slightest _tsk_ in his tone. “Sex can be a beautiful expression of human love and affection, and creates pleasure. Why wouldn't I have--”

Crowley stopped him by waving his hand, hoping to ward the words back where they'd come from so he wouldn't have to hear them. “You. Miracled people with sex.” His brain was not having it. What the Hell sort of wine was he drinking? He glared at the bottle, but it wasn't the same one he'd started with. The writing was all in Persian which he was too drunk to remember how to read.

“Well, not-- I wasn't assigned to have sex, not like you're implying. But I have found it to be an excellent way to connect to someone, or provide comfort, or just.. pleasure. Humans react quite nicely to a bit of affection and approval. When they feel happy, they tend to do more Good Deeds to one another.”

“Uraiaigh,” Crowley said, rubbing his hands over his face. “My entire...mental image of you has just... It's like you're telling me you secretly don't like blintzes.”

“Ooh, did you bring any?” Aziraphale looked into the basket, which meant of course there were some. Crowley sat there and watched as Aziraphale helped himself to a small cheese blintz, and tried to kick his own brain back into working order. Watching him eat, made Crowley realise – of course if he'd had the opportunity to try it, the angel would enjoy himself. All of the pleasures humans made for themselves, Aziraphale had tried at one time or another, and enjoyed quite a few of them. Food, mostly, and books. But he also liked strolling about in the sunshine, and he was so very picky about the fabrics he wore, admiring some and wrinkling his nose at things like dark trousers with too many zippers.

It shouldn't surprise him to discover Aziraphale had had sex. But it didn't explain why Crowley suddenly felt angry about it. He still didn't want to try the thing himself, but he wondered if he could hunt up the descendants of all the humans Aziraphale had ever-- and do some really nasty things to their gardens.

Several moments of glaring at his now-empty-again wineglass later, Crowley realised Aziraphale had stopped eating. He glanced up and found the angel looking at him with that thoughtful expression that said he'd looked right inside somebody's heart and seen everything they didn't want known.

“You know, it does remind me,” Aziraphale said, casually. “I've been meaning to ask you for a favor.”

“Yeah, what?” Crowley found himself instantly willing, despite the fact he was upset and annoyed and... _things_. He wanted to kick himself. Maybe later, once he got back to his own flat and yelled at his plants.

Aziraphale set the basket aside and stood up, moving away from Crowley a bit. “Well, you know, it's been quite a long time since I had anyone to ask. I'm sure you know how difficult it can be.” Instead of explaining, he turned away, showing Crowley his back, then without warning, manifested his wings.

Crowley blinked at him, then – oh. He scowled. “Don't you ever take care of them?” The feathers were a mess. Not fallen out of a tree and rolled down a hill while fighting komodo dragons mess – and no he wasn't sharing that story with Aziraphale or anyone, thank you. But for an angel – for Aziraphale -- they were awful. 

“It isn't as though I could just... Well, I didn't feel comfortable asking anyone, Up There.” Aziraphale glanced over his shoulder, almost shyly.

“Oh, yeah, I can see that. I wouldn't turn my back on any of those lot, either. Here, come on, Angel, this would be easier if you sat down.” Crowley snapped his fingers and a massage chair appeared, with a nice soft face rest. He ignored Aziraphale's amused look, and just chivvied him into sitting down.

Crowley stood back and considered for a moment, trying not to think about how long it had been since he'd ever touched someone else's wings. Demons took care of their own; he had all kinds of back scratchers and long combs back at his place. He thought briefly about manifesting one, then instead he just reached out and placed his fingers on Aziraphale's wings.

He ran his hand down gently, brushing a few of the feathers into place. Aziraphale sighed and murmured something too soft for Crowley to hear. Instead of asking him to repeat it, Crowley focused on the wing in front of him, and slowly began to groom it.


End file.
